Whether we are leading a team, supporting someone in distress, managing conflict or simply navigating a difficult conversation, most of us share the same goal: we want to influence the other person positively.

Our instinct is often to focus on changing their thinking. We explain our position more clearly, repeat our message or present additional evidence. Sometimes, we become firmer, believing that if we can find the right words, they will finally understand.

Yet this approach can have the opposite effect. The other person may become increasingly defensive, less cooperative and more resistant to what we are saying.

What, then, if the most effective way to influence someone does not begin with changing their behaviour? What if it begins with changing our own?

This simple but powerful idea sits at the heart of Betari’s Box theory, a psychological model that has influenced leadership, organisational behaviour and conflict management for decades. At Maybo, we refer to this principle as the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle because it helps explain why our own behaviour is often one of the most powerful tools we have for influencing others.

What is Betari's Box?

Betari’s Box, also known as the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle, describes how our attitudes and behaviours influence the people around us. Rather than viewing communication as a one-way process, the model shows that every interaction forms part of an ongoing cycle.

Our attitudes influence how we behave. Our behaviour then affects the attitudes and behaviour of others. Their response, in turn, influences how we think, feel and behave towards them. Unless something interrupts it, the cycle continues.

This process can move in either a positive or negative direction. Calmness can encourage calmness, respect can promote respect, and patience can make a patient response more likely. Equally, frustration can generate further frustration, defensiveness can provoke defensiveness, and judgement can create resistance.

The central insight behind Betari’s Box is that, while we cannot directly control another person’s attitude or behaviour, we can choose how we respond. Those choices can influence the direction of the interaction and create conditions that make a more constructive response possible.

That is often where genuine influence begins.

Why We Follow Some People But Resist Others
Consider someone you have genuinely admired. It may have been a manager, teacher, coach, colleague or someone you worked alongside during a particularly challenging situation.

What made them influential?

It was probably not that they always had the perfect answer. More often, influential people are remembered for how they made others feel and how consistently they behaved when situations became difficult.

They remained composed under pressure, listened before responding and treated people with dignity, even during disagreement. They could be clear and assertive without becoming dismissive or aggressive.

People trusted them because their behaviour reflected the values they expected from others.

By contrast, most of us can recognise when someone is being polite only because they want something. Friendliness that feels calculated rarely creates trust. Rather than feeling positively influenced, people may feel managed or manipulated.

Authenticity strengthens influence; manipulation undermines it.

This is another example of the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle in practice. Consistent and authentic behaviour can build trust, cooperation and psychological safety. Inconsistent or insincere behaviour is more likely to create suspicion and resistance.

People are generally influenced less by carefully selected words than by the behaviour they experience consistently over time.

The Science Behind Betari’s Box

Modern psychology and neuroscience provide useful insights into why the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle is so relevant to human interaction.

When people perceive criticism, threat, hostility or judgement, the brain becomes more focused on identifying and responding to danger. The amygdala, which plays an important role in detecting potential threats, becomes more active. As emotional arousal increases, it can become harder to process information, consider alternative viewpoints and engage in calm problem-solving.

The person may become more defensive, reactive or fixed in their position.

By contrast, when someone feels respected, listened to and psychologically safe, the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain associated with reasoning, decision-making and self-control, is better able to remain engaged. This makes it easier to regulate emotions, think clearly and work towards a solution.

In simple terms, calm behaviour can support calmer and more constructive thinking.

This is why remaining composed is about far more than simply “being nice”. Our behaviour can affect whether another person experiences the interaction as threatening or manageable. It can influence not only how they feel, but also how effectively they are able to listen, think and respond.

Constructive behaviour does not guarantee a positive outcome, but it can significantly improve the conditions in which productive communication becomes possible.

Behaviour Changes Faster Than Attitudes

One of the most common mistakes people make is attempting to change another person’s attitude directly.

Attitudes develop over time. They are influenced by previous experiences, emotions, beliefs, expectations and relationships. They are therefore unlikely to change simply because someone presents a stronger argument or repeats the same message more forcefully.

Behaviour is different. Although we cannot always choose how we feel, we can often choose how we respond in the moment.

We can decide to lower our voice even when we feel frustrated. We can allow someone to finish speaking even when we disagree with them. We can adopt a more open posture, ask a question or pause before responding.

These may appear to be small choices, but they can alter the direction of an interaction immediately.

Choosing constructive behaviour does not mean avoiding difficult conversations, agreeing with everything someone says or accepting unacceptable conduct. It means handling the situation in a way that gives the conversation the greatest possible opportunity to succeed.

Paradoxically, it is often consistent changes in behaviour that eventually have the greatest influence on attitudes. Trust, respect and cooperation are rarely created by a single statement. They develop through repeated experiences of how someone behaves.

A Practical Example of the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle

The way we behave can either reinforce a negative cycle or help to interrupt it. Consider a member of staff approaching a customer who is already frustrated.

The practical issue is the same in both of the following responses. What changes is the employee’s behaviour and, consequently, the direction in which the interaction is likely to move.

Response One

The employee approaches with their arms folded and begins speaking in a sharp, defensive tone. They interrupt the customer before they have finished explaining the problem and immediately focus on why the customer’s understanding of the situation is incorrect.

The customer becomes louder and repeats their complaint more forcefully. In response, the employee becomes increasingly defensive. Both begin repeating their positions, and neither feels heard.

The Attitude and Behaviour Cycle is now moving in a negative direction. Each person’s behaviour is reinforcing the other’s frustration, making a constructive outcome increasingly difficult.

Response Two

The employee adopts an open posture and allows the customer to explain what has happened. Before attempting to resolve the problem, they acknowledge the customer’s frustration and ask questions to clarify the situation.

They listen without interrupting and keep their voice calm and measured.

The customer may still be upset, and the practical problem may not be easy to resolve. However, they are now more likely to feel heard and participate in problem-solving rather than confrontation.

The difference is not that the employee has discovered a perfect phrase. The difference is the way they have behaved.

By changing their own approach, they have interrupted the negative cycle and created an opportunity for the interaction to move in a more constructive direction.

Five Practical Ways to Increase Your Positive Influence

Understanding the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle is valuable, but its real benefit comes from applying it during everyday interactions. The following approaches can help us make more deliberate behavioural choices, particularly when conversations become difficult.

1. Regulate yourself before trying to regulate someone else

Before attempting to influence another person’s emotions or behaviour, it is important to notice our own.

Our tone of voice, facial expression, posture, pace and emotional state all affect how our message is received. We may believe that we are communicating calmly while our clenched jaw, folded arms or abrupt tone conveys irritation.

People can also begin to mirror the emotional state of those around them. If we approach someone with visible tension or frustration, we may unintentionally increase their emotional response.

A useful question to ask is:

“What am I communicating through my own behaviour right now?”

This moment of self-awareness can create enough space to make a more deliberate choice. By slowing down, adjusting our posture or moderating our tone, we may prevent our own emotional response from escalating the situation.

Self-regulation does not mean suppressing legitimate feelings. It means recognising those feelings and choosing how to express them in a way that supports the outcome we are trying to achieve.

2. Replace judgement with curiosity

When someone behaves in a way that we find difficult, our minds often generate an immediate explanation. We may assume that the person is being rude, unreasonable, deliberately obstructive or unwilling to listen.

These judgements can quickly influence our behaviour. Once we have decided that someone is being difficult, we may become less patient, less open and more confrontational without fully realising it.

Curiosity offers an alternative.

Instead of asking, “Why are they behaving like this?”, we can ask:

“What might be happening that is leading them to behave this way?”

The distinction is important. The first question can reinforce blame, while the second encourages exploration. It prompts us to consider factors such as fear, pain, confusion, previous experiences, unmet needs, environmental pressures or a sense of not being heard.

Curiosity does not excuse harmful behaviour or remove the need for appropriate boundaries. It simply helps us avoid treating our first assumption as an established fact.

By reducing judgement, we make it easier to respond to what may be driving the behaviour rather than reacting only to what we can see.

3. Remember that people are always reading your behaviour

Communication is not limited to what we say. People continuously interpret our tone, facial expression, body language, pace and willingness to listen.

They notice whether we appear distracted, impatient or defensive. They notice whether our actions match our words and whether our concern feels genuine.

These signals may shape the other person’s response before we have finished our first sentence.

This is particularly important when there is already tension. In emotionally charged situations, people may pay greater attention to signs of threat, disrespect or dismissal. A message intended to reassure can therefore have the opposite effect if it is delivered with an abrupt tone or closed posture.

Effective influence requires congruence. Our words, tone and behaviour need to communicate the same message.

4. Acknowledge emotions before offering solutions

When people do not feel heard, they often repeat themselves. They may speak more forcefully, provide additional detail or return repeatedly to the same point.

This is not always because they have failed to understand the proposed solution. It may be because they do not yet feel that the emotional impact of the situation has been recognised.

Acknowledging someone’s emotions does not mean agreeing with every statement they make. It does not require us to accept blame or promise an outcome that cannot be delivered. It simply communicates that we have understood something about their experience.

Statements such as, “I can see why this has been frustrating,” or, “It sounds as though you have been trying to resolve this for some time,” can demonstrate that the person has been heard.

Once people feel understood, they are often more receptive to information, advice and possible solutions. Acknowledgement can therefore reduce defensiveness and help move the conversation from emotional expression towards constructive problem-solving.

5. Model the behaviour you want to receive

One of the most effective ways to influence other people is to demonstrate consistently the qualities we would like them to show.

When we want someone to remain calm, we can model calmness. When we want respect, we can behave respectfully. When we want someone to listen, we can demonstrate what attentive listening looks like.

This does not mean that the other person will always mirror our behaviour. Human interactions are more complex than that, and some situations will remain challenging despite our best efforts.

However, our behaviour gives the other person something to respond to. It can either reinforce the behaviour we are finding difficult or offer an alternative direction for the interaction.

Influence is therefore often less about forcing someone to change and more about creating the conditions in which a different response becomes possible.

A Final Thought on Betari’s Box

Every difficult conversation presents us with a choice.

We can react automatically to the behaviour placed in front of us, or we can respond deliberately in a way that supports the outcome we want to achieve.

That does not mean ignoring risk, avoiding boundaries or tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Nor does it guarantee that the other person will change. There will always be circumstances in which a calm and respectful approach does not produce an immediate positive response.

What it does provide is the greatest opportunity to influence the direction of the interaction without unnecessarily reinforcing hostility, defensiveness or resistance.

Betari’s Box reminds us that attitudes and behaviours can be contagious. Every interaction forms part of a cycle, and that cycle has to begin somewhere.

Why not let it begin with us?

Maybo’s Approach to Betari’s Box

Understanding the Attitude and Behaviour Cycle in theory is relatively straightforward. Applying it consistently during real-life conversations, particularly when emotions are running high, is much more difficult.

That is why the model forms an important part of Maybo’s approach to conflict prevention, de-escalation and positive behaviour support.

Across healthcare, social care, education, retail, public transport and other public-facing services, we help people develop the self-awareness and practical communication skills needed to respond more effectively in challenging situations.

This includes recognising how their own attitudes may influence their behaviour, understanding what may be driving another person’s response and making deliberate choices that reduce conflict rather than intensify it.

We cannot always control how another person behaves. We can, however, choose how we respond—and that choice often makes all the difference.

If you would like to learn more about how Maybo’s training can support your organisation, contact our team to discuss your requirements.